Summary: Sings to Me
I had always watched him from a distance, never making that leap I always had felt obliged to take because of his taste. He didn’t go for people like me, an equal to him in more ways than one, in intelligence in jobs or similar in age. No, he went for the 20 year old at the strip joint who hung on his every word, awed at his fake name which he flaunted with no shame.
The leap wasn’t as immense as I imagined it, just simply making an advance, flirting with him or worse giggling but, when you have known someone for the majority of your life and you have a foundation for the relationship even considering changing it, is mortifying. And made one quiet nervous, an example was me.
I wasn’t Dean’s favourite person, not like I had used to be.
He gave me the impression that he couldn’t trust me because; as soon as I turned 18 I had left and abandoned him to go to school. It wasn’t easy but some dreams, some aspirations can’t be denied and you have to reach for them. I went to school for a few years, completing my degree in medicine and came back, but Sam was gone and John as well and Dean blamed me.
‘Giving him ideas, that shouldn’t be in the boy’s head.’
I hadn’t stopped talking to them while I was gone. I would call but they never picked up. So with a stiff lip I took every blow they made at my education.
Of course it had hurt; my second family had shunned me and blamed me for the loss of a real member of their family. Everything I had done meant nothing. All those years helping them; helping to babysit Sam, cooking for them, cleaning the motel rooms. So I remained and tried my hardest to earn back every ounce of my trust that I had lost so that things would one day be the same as they used to be.
Then John left and never came back, Dean crumbled and his nights at the bar became more regular and I saw more that my leap would destroy him rather than save him and the pain I would suffer would be far greater, judging by the muffled shouts for Cassie.
But the urge got stronger as a part of him sang to me, taunting me, calling to him, to be part of him- to have that part of him and me as a whole.
He then left soon after but unlike myself; he didn’t call or send any mail.
It was as if he had disappeared. There were days where his face had flashed on the TV screen accusing him of murders I knew he would never commit. Sometime during those 2 years I realised that he wouldn’t come back for me and I moved on. I got a job and a house with a extra 2 bedrooms in case if they ever dropped by. A tiny piece of hope.
It happened when I least expected it, it wasn’t an urgent ring on the bell, it was short and patient followed by another- and I knew. I walked to the door and opened it and there they were, both of them.
Dean and Sam stood before me.
I hadn’t seen Sam in years, and it showed. He had grown and now he was no less than 6ft. He was handsome of course, which member of the Winchester family wasn’t? Sam seemed annoyed to see me; he hadn’t bothered to hide it from his face, making a pout. I inwardly scowled him, in all the years that I had helped raise him and when he turns up at my door he does one of the few things I taught him not to do, scowl. His hair had grown out and his face had matured, he looked calm but angry- different.
Dean looked like Dean except he looked tired and a bit older, but the presence of Dean was there. His eyes were still a bright, almost shocking shade of green, his lips were in a small pout and his stubble made him undeniable. He was still shorter than Sam, if anything shorter than before, but the fact didn’t seem to bother him. Dean looked as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and I could see realization mask his face as he registered something.
A small smile tugged on my lips and I came to terms with the fact that family was here.
I frowned and let them into the house looking behind them at the Impala.
‘Tay’ he started.
‘Don’t call me Tay, Dean’ I snapped, I slammed the door closing it and led them to the sitting area. He had no right, in any sense, to call me Tay.
‘Taylor you have a nice house, you’ve done well for yourself’ he finishe,d sitting awkwardly on the sofa.
‘Thanks’ I replied stiffly. ‘Do want anything to eat or drink?’ I asked, they both nodded and I went to the kitchen and made their snacks, snickering at their rushed conversation. I slammed the fridge door so that they knew I was on my way back. They presented false smiles at me which I replied to with a frown while setting down the tray on the coffee table, taking my cup of tea and sitting on the sofa opposite them.
Dean and Sam shifted in their seats squirming, as the silence encased the room leaving us to listen to the quiet munching and slurping of our drinks.
‘How’s Dad?’ I finally asked, if it was possible- the silence got more awkward. Dean and Sam both began to speak but no sound came out of their mouths. ‘How is Dad Winchester?’ I asked again, my voice sterner.
‘He died.’ Sam said.
Then my tea dropped. Thank God I had a wooden floor.
‘I had heard but, I thought...I thought you would have told me. Did you really burn him?’
I can’t imagine how my face looked but I could feel a threat of a tear, as it hit me- my second dad was gone. It was just like when my dad had died all over again but it hurt more.
Now I was old enough to comprehend just was death is. Of course it was nothing like when my mum had died but it was close, too close for comfort.
They had burned him not even considering the option of putting him next to Mary, not even understanding that John wouldn’t come back as an evil spirit. Or maybe they had decided that he would.
I scurried to my kitchen and got my mop and dust pan, they left me to clean up not once saying a word. Then it clicked. They expected it.
I walked into the room and looked at them and shook my head slowly taking time to stare at each of them. I couldn’t believe that the two people I had practically given all of my life to didn’t even care to ask how I was.
‘I’ll show you to your rooms’ they seemed shocked to learn that they would be staying with me. They had it planned anyway but I guess they never expected to have their own rooms. I smiled a bit in spite of myself and lead them to their rooms before retreating to my own.
Then I broke down.
I hurt, it hurt on another level to what I was used to. Learning that he was dead had hurt, having Sam here hurt. Having Dean here hurt more than that, for he was just hurt.
So I did the only thing I could think of, I took a shower using the sound of water to hide my wrenching sobs.
‘Damn it Sam!’ I growled, slamming my fist down on the bed.
She frustrated me so much! I winced as Linkin Park started blaring from upstairs- she was
I had been a dick.
I had been a dick.
Now she was upstairs away from us doing what few knew. As if it wasn’t bad enough as it was, I just needed her. 2 years ago, I had seen her. Now I was dying I needed her, when she appeared to need me the least. I couldn’t even hate her for it; I had failed her in more ways than one.
‘Dean...’ Sam started, he could obviously see.
‘No Sam! She is just as much of our family and she should have been there, she should have known. And she should be able to talk to us or at least stay in the same room as us for more than thirty minutes!’ Sam bent his head, defeated for the moment.
‘What made you think that she would even have wanted to come? After all we did hurt her.’ Sam asked. For the genius of the family he wasn’t really smart.
‘Sam, we have been dicks, she called at least four times a week when she went to college. Two out of five of the calls on Dad’s answering machine were from her just like the ones on mine and your phones. And to make us bigger dicks she sent an email to you everyday you went to Stanford,’ Dean continued as Sam began to argue against him. ‘I saw them on your email, Sam she’s been keeping tabs on us.’ I turned to Sam just to see what I had been hiding from, remorse.
She had done the opposite of what I had wanted. I had wanted her to leave to separate herself from us, to stop caring but she had kept trying. Kept fighting and constantly keeping tabs on us, just to make sure we were safe and we had never even answered one of her calls or emails.
We had been dicks.
The CD changed to John Legend and I winced, her taste in music still wasn’t the best. I headed to my room and slammed the door; I think she heard as the album changed to AC/DC.
It started to get dark outside but I was lost in thought. I needed her, it was funny to admit she had always been there; I had left her and I needed her. I was a sad excuse for a man.
Tay had been sleeping, she had looked so beautiful, her dark hair a fan around her, she had been peaceful and content a small smile on her face. She had said my name muffled by the pillow in her sleep followed by love ‘Dean I’m in love with you, isn’t that funny’and I had ran. We had planned to go Stanford to talk to Sam but I had left in the night racing there like she was on my tail, when she was asleep dreaming a dream that had me in it.
Tay had been so easy to forget, becoming a distant memory, less important than Cassie and the other women; she hadn’t even been a second memory. The thought of her had disappeared to the back of my mind and everything that could be related to her had been unappealing since, and the dull throb had seemed to numb. She wasn’t even in the parallel universe of the Djinn.
Seeing her today though had made everything about that last night come back and the look of peace and contentment that had graced her face. Standing at the door was a different woman, she had a distant look in her eyes and she seemed far from content, just a person who going through the phases of each day on auto-pilot. But Tay was beautiful. Her hair had grown a bit and was cascading down her shoulders in a matter no less than graceful, the sun had brought out the odd streaks of red in her hair. She had seemed bemused to see me and Sam, her hazel eyes had gone a shocking shade of brown in the light and a small crease had formed on her forehead. A blush had started to creep onto her checks as her pink her lips had formed a small smile and she let us in throwing a sly glance at the Impala.
Taylor had changed in the same way that she had stayed the same and she knew us too well. As she knew us she also didn’t, she had picked what she heard and only kept the information that she knew would apply to us. She hadn’t been able to disguise the disgust that she felt when she heard that Dad’s body had been burnt, I think even Sam knew that we had doe wrong by not calling her at that time or when we saw Mom in the old house.
The music stopped and I could hear hurried footsteps making their way down the stairs, there was a knock on Sam’s door then one on mine. I opened the door and she flung herself at me. Taylor was hugging me.
‘I take it back, call me Tay. Welcome to my home!’ she said breathlessly, she turned and hugged Sam. She stepped back and pointed at him. ‘You stop scowling or you tell me what’s wrong, we both know you’re not going to do the latter so please smile.’
Sam looked at her incredulously but stretched his face into a smile. Tay brushed her hand around his face and brought him in for another hug, reaching onto her tip toes so that her head came over to his chest.
‘How do you two feel about coming out with me?’ she asked, she turned between the two of us wringing her hands together.
I nodded, why would I turn her down?
‘Do you have suits or tuxes?’ Taylor asked. I raised an eyebrow. ‘Cause it’s a formal event thing, girls wear dresses and all the dudes wear formal stuff...’ she squirmed a bit. ‘You don’t want to come, do you?’
I shook my head at her quickly, raising my hand in protest. ‘No we want to come! We have tuxes but why are you going to a thing like that?’ I asked.
A smile presented itself on her face. ‘It’s just this thing for work; you’ll see when you get there. But, for now both of you get beautiful, there a few ladies who need to be swept off their feet’ she gave us each a grin ‘met you downstairs at about 7.30’ then she left the room, smiling at us as she left the room and headed back upstairs.
Sam turned to me and shrugged, he must have dealt.
The CD upstairs turned to some country (Carrie Underwood) I winced but smiled at Sam, she was trying just to get to know us again.
‘Dean, I know you feel guilty but we just need to make her happy.’ Sam nodded and made his way out the door and smiled at me. ‘Are you going to tell her?’
Of course that’s why he had been angry not at her, but at me.
‘I don’t know’ Sam glared at me.
‘I hear a scowl! Make yourselves beautiful!’ Taylor shouted from upstairs. Sam turned to me, he looked as if he was about to say something but thought better of it and turned away closing the door quietly behind him.
I got down stairs 7.30 on the dot. Sam looked up at me and raised an eyebrow at me, I shrugged and smile sheepishly at him.
‘Idiots, did I not explain that I don’t want any swearing in my house?’ Taylor said from the foot of the stairs. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow at her.
‘No.’ I turned to Sam and sniggered, then I did a double take at her, she was wearing a dress. She had actually worn a dress. She made her way over to me and Sam glowing, she brought us in for a hug and stepped back.
‘You guys scrub up well, I know a few ladies who are going to ditch their dates for you.’ There was silence in the room for a second not even Sam had anything to say.
‘You look nice’ I said.
Nice. Of all words I choose nice, nice. I cringed a bit inside. Damn it, why was she doing this? Nice was near close enough.
She had curled her hair and fastened it in some sort of complicated hairdo, there were random stands of hair that popped every now and then covering her face, but the majority of it was in a bun at the back but some strands of hair fell to her back. She barely had any make up on just some lipstick and the stuff that goes on the eyes.
But GOD her dress, it hugged her in a fit meant only for a woman. It was tight but looked comfortable at the top showing her small waist, the fit following down, clinging to her hips and then flared out. On her wrist, neck and ears was a familiar set of gold jewellery and in her hand she clutched a small purse.
She looked so good I found it hard not to take her right there.
‘Thanks’ she replied. ‘Do you mind driving?’ she asked me, she knew the answer already but smiled innocently at me. Before we headed to the car she informed us of where the key was if either us decided to bring anyone back to the house.
The journey to the hall wasn’t as long as I thought it would be it got a bit awkward when the security guard asked her name ‘Dr. Taylor Dianne Evans’ we had got a bit quiet but it was to late to back out, we were there.
She walked around with us for about an hour introducing us to people as her family by heart, also telling us about the inside gossip of most in the room. She whisked away after that by a surgeon who needed to show her to a few people. I had tried not to let it show when she asked if we would be all right for an hour. Sam had made it easy for me by answering, as I stuttered beside him trying my hardest to grin. Swishing my drink, a bit too much that it created a small puddle on the floor.
When she was gone the conversation that surrounded me and Sam turned to Taylor.
‘She is young, hasn’t had any children, no boyfriends no fiancé in sight’
‘Always turns them down, not enough time she says now’
‘A skilled doctors, she treated me never put a stitch in the wrong place’
‘Such a lovely girl’
‘They want to move her to be head of the team’
‘She says she wants to start working with kids but the board don’t want to lose her’
‘On her first day she worked straight, one of the most determined people I have ever met’
‘Big shoes to fill, her grandfather was a good doctor’
‘Pretty one isn’t she, apparently very talented’
‘Voice of an angel, they want to see if she will perform for us today’
‘No one knows much about her. Popular she is, but private’
A few voices said anything but nice, criticising her dress, calling her a freak for not dating and living by herself. Not having any family, then making snips at her.
Then the lights dimmed and she staggered on stage taking a seat behind a large piano. She seemed to hesitate for a moment before leaning into the microphone.
‘I’m going to be singing Wheel of the World by Carrie Underwood, forgive me if I mess up I haven’t played in a really long time.’ I held my throat an odd feeling, swelling from my stomach as I waited for her to begin.
Then she started, her hands gliding quickly over the keys of the piano, she began to sing her voice coming out strong but sweet as she followed the notes with an angelic ease. She stopped playing the piano as her voice got louder and stronger as the song got faster but on the closing chorus the piano began again quieter as she sang in a whisper along to the song.
I don’t think she noticed that everyone was watching her until she opened her eyes and scanning for mine and Sam’s faces in the crowd smiling at both of us before bowing her head and coming off stage, then the hall full of people burst into applause.
I needed to talk to her.
Sam seemed to understand and went to get himself a drink she reached me.
‘Where’s Sam?’ I asked, Dean mentioned gruffly that he had gone to get a drink. I made a face at him and cocked my head to the side. ‘Dean why are you so tense?’ I asked him reaching out my hand to place it on his shoulder, he flinched away from me and I quickly removed my hand.
‘I need to talk to you’ he said finally. I frowned and gestured for him to continue.
‘I missed you, two years I haven’t talked to you or heard your voice and I missed you. I wanted to be near you, I wish I hadn’t.’
I knew were he was going with this, it was standard Dean. I spun on him quickly and pointed at him, daring him to continue. He opened his mouth and I slapped him around the face, a deafening crack erupted through the room while we stared at each other.
I looked at my hand, it was shaking. I looked quickly back at him, his right check was beginning to turn a warm shade of red. I stepped back not believing, that I had done the one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do. Hurt him.
‘I’m sorry’ I whispered. Picking up my dress I ran, I ran out of the hall and down the stone steps, I kept running until I reached the park and slumped onto a bench. There was a loud crack of thunder as a few pelts of rain fell. I removed the hair pins form my hair and threw them aside, my hair felt damp and heavy on my shoulders.
I wondered how long it would take him to catch up with me, whether or not he would forgive me. Most importantly if he would try to keep talking.
I didn’t have to wait long; he emerged from behind me a few moments later. He was wet, his hair flat on his head and his shirt going almost see though. I turned to him ignoring the squelch my shoe made.
‘Dean, I’m sorry, that was wrong. I can’t believe I did that to you. I should have just left.’ I whispered, his large hand curled along mine.
‘I’m sorry about everything’ he said simply, I looked up at him and stroked his hand.
Sorry can sometimes be a large word when you truly mean it but it can also be an empty word, a failed promise. Dean was known for his broken promises, especially the ones he had made to me. I couldn’t believe him, I couldn’t accept it, I couldn’t forgive him.
‘I know, but that doesn’t make much of a difference’ I said, ‘you have said sorry too many times, I’ll just deal. It’s easier than you think’ I offered him, taking my hand away.
I started walking out the park, turning back to him asking if he was coming. The walk home was quiet he seemed deep in thought; every now and then he would wring his hands and glance in my direction.
I laughed halfway throughout the journey, I let out a small bark of a laugh, shook my dress gathering it around my arms I started to run. He followed behind me and then we were there. We both stood staring at the house we knew, would have been ours if things would have been in my favour. He did something I didn’t expect then.
He kissed me. His bent forward and kissed me. I stood frozen in the spot as his lips grazed mine, again and again; I wanted to kiss him back but I couldn’t. His arms wrapped around me securing me to his chest and his lips became hungrier. I would have given anything to respond. I pushed him off not looking at him and stalked up to my door.
But a strong hand held me back, the grip was strong and slightly painful and I acted on instinct. I spun round and gave a roundhouse kick and a quick elbow into the solar plexus, he fell down and I stood staring at him for a moment. A quick kick in my knee brought me down so I faced Dean.
We didn’t say anything we just stared at each other, looking at each other realising how the moment was familiar, and in all the ways that it was different. I bowed my forehead against his and let out breath of relief, as I held his hands close to my chest.
I held onto his hand as I opened the door and led him to the kitchen.
‘Sit down and take off your shirt’ he looked at me as I said those words in a satisfied manner as if he has won some sort of bet. He took off his shirt and I simply looked at his chest for a few moments. It was hard to stay professional looking at him in that light, he looked so good, so perfect and amazing and he was in my kitchen.
It was like a song was playing from him, like he was singing to me. My thoughts always ran in the same circle about the idea of what if and what could have been.
The idea of being a Winchester, of becoming blood to him. It was the closest thing you could be to Dean- Family. I earned in a sense to have his blood coursing through my veins, as in me carrying his child. Thoughts of Dean never ended badly just in hope of what could be, then the blunt realisation of what it never would be.
I checked him over gently pressing down on certain parts of his body to see if he was ok. Each time he would reply with a gruff yes. I found an old wound and patched it up after cleaning it, he winced a little but smiled at me brightly when I was finished.
I looked him in the eye silently marvelling at the bright green of them, I dragged my eyesight to his lips and wondered what I would have done if he kissed me again.
Would I give in? Or would I run away?
I looked back into his eyes and smiled a bit. My thoughts went back into their circle of finally meaning something to him and I let out a sigh, then his lips were on mine.
I closed my eyes and felt, something amazing like an electric shock took me, I brought my hand out feeling his face as he kissed me and I responded.
I pressed myself against his body, as I was never too close.
His kisses got more urgent, more passionate, more risky- wilder. His tongue glided along my bottom lip asking to enter and I let him. Then I got wilder, he still wasn’t close enough, as our tongues wrestled I was vaguely aware of us making our way upstairs. I let out a moan only to have him bring me closer towards his body bringing a hand to my hip; I let it stay pressed to him as we stood by the door of my room, my body pressed up against a wall. I gasped and pulled him closer to me- he still wasn’t close enough. We entered my room, stumbling our hands everywhere on each other’s body, moving so fast it was impossible to say who was who. I hoisted myself up to reach his lips, both of my legs wrapped around his waist.
We collapsed blindly on my bed, still touching as we started to undress, lost in our senses, lost in the response- laughing, giggling, moaning and growls of pleasure. Eventually we disappeared under the covers, my legs quivered as my hands traced soft circles on his back and moans released themselves from my throat, as something sensational took me over bring him with me, and finally making him close enough to satisfy me.
I woke up to find Dean laying next to me his sheet wrapped on his lower half leaving his chest bare, I traced small circles marvelling as his eyes closed. His hand came out and brought me into a hug. I pulled back and looked at him.
‘Last night was, wow!’I said, smiling at him my hand playing with his hair. He placed a kissed on my collar bone.
‘Yes it was.’ We sat there content for a few minutes, just resting and breathing. Every now and then I would run my hands through his hair.
‘I love you, you know’ Dean said quietly, I looked up at him and placed a kiss on his chest.
‘I love you too Dean’ I whispered, it felt so perfect in that moment as if everything that I had secretly wanted for years was happening and I couldn’t feel more content. He brushed some hair from my face, placing a kiss on my forehead.
It slowly dawned on me that the leap had been made, he knew and I knew about him and we had leapt to each other. Everything that I had earned for, for the closeness to have been part of him, interconnected on a level I had barely understood, had happened.
‘Do you want to know why I left?’ I nodded snuggling myself to his chest. ‘You said you were in love with me in your sleep.’ He whispered, I turned to him shocked and suddenly embarrassed, I began pushing away but his arm kept me in place. ‘I liked the feeling it gave me’ he laughed weakly. ‘I had no idea what to say or do; there you were peaceful in love with me, smiling in your sleep. And I wasn’t ready, she was like a thought that kept on pacing in the back of my mind and all I could think of was the fact that if I was in love with you, it wouldn’t lead to much. So I packed up and convinced myself that you would be better off without me’ he sighed and planted a kiss on mouth. There was no need to explain who she was- Cassie.
‘Dean I have lived for two years as a doctor, made friends and reconnected with other ones, but I have never moved on. Never, I never went out on one date, or had a one night stand. I just lived. Do you know what I mean, Dean?’ I asked him looking into his eyes he nodded and pulled me into his embrace.
We lay there again clinging to each other.
‘When are you leaving?’ I squeaked, looking away from his face my attention focusing on his chest.
‘Today’ he whispered. I swear I could and should have lost it there and then. I should have screamed and thrown him out of my house, out of my room and out of my bed, but instead I held onto him more tightly- clinging to him. I kissed him pouring my soul and all my love into one kiss; he kissed me just as passionately.
‘I’ll come with you’ I whispered, he didn’t reply and the room was filled with my staggered breathing.
‘I’m going for a shower, do you want to join me?’ he asked cockily, his arms working their way up and down my arms, his eyes casting quick glances at the bathroom door.
‘Of course’ I whispered, smiling weakly up at him. He returned it brightly and carried me to the shower...
The forth dimension, time is a funny thing. To me it’s more like a force, one that is being used against me. When you want it to slow down it seems to speed up, when you want it to speed up it seems to slow down.
Before we knew it, it was 10:30pm and he and Sam were getting ready to leave.
The sky was dark and my porch lamp wasn’t giving me the light I needed to provide sufficient memories for my brain bank. I watched them out their stuff into the Impala each pulling on their large leather jackets. I stood at the door leaning on the frame watching them, ignoring the dull throb in my chest.
Sam came to me his arms out stretched wide; it took me a second to pull myself into his embrace. I clung onto him reluctantly pulling away after Dean coughed in the background.
‘Sam please look after Dean. Don’t stress yourself out and remember that my door is always open when you need; a pie, a room, even when you need a shopping spree or for me to check your cuts. You get that?’
‘Yes Tay’ he supplied, I pulled him for another hug.
‘Reply to my emails this time!’ I shouted after him as he headed to his side of the Impala.
Dean was up next, he pulled me into him embrace and we stayed there for who knows how long until he pulled away.
‘Dean, reply to my messages, pick up the phone and stay alive. Please.’ I whispered my request to me, it seemed simple but to the him they seemed to have a hard effect. ‘I love you.’ I hugged him again and placed a kiss on his check, brushing my hand along his check. I stepped away, tucking in my piece of paper into his jean pocket. Dean went to his side of the Impala and opened the door.
‘Wait!’ I shouted, I ran into my house quickly and grabbed my camera. ‘Smile.’ They beamed up at me as the flash went off. I gave them each a final hug and clung to myself as the Impala drove away- something wasn’t right.
I held the camera tightly in my hand; the picture would be all I had to remind myself of their visit.
I let a breath out and clung to myself, dragging my feet behind me into my house.
It hurt more than last time, because a part of me knew he wouldn’t be coming back.
I pulled out the piece of paper from my pocket, taking in her elegant curve of handwriting.
I love you, come back to me.
I turned to Sam, turning away as he glared at me.